Tuesday, 12 June 2018

After 10 years...personal insights!

I was "hunted" to write this article pretty intensively at the beginning of this year …Maybe it was the 10 years itch or something like this!
Yeah, I did have melancholy and nostalgia moments and intense reflections on how my life changed or is after that trip I started 10 years ago and although, I postponed and I didn’t feel so intensive the need to write anymore, I still want to do it!

This blog started little more than 10 years ago, with a clear purpose to showcase my trip around the world, or so it was the plan at that time! Going over the first article now posted here is really giving me goosbumps …literally!
It is bordering sadness, but more in the melancholically way the fact that the people I wrote that first article to, are mostly not in my life anymore…I changed, they changed and…. Well, we didn’t meet anymore!
I did had all those things I went looking for and even more  ….this was my heroine’s journey somehow! I allowed myself everything, no borders and limits, no plans, just to go with the flow, following my instincts and expand my limits- what an amazing journey!

Before I started that trip I was starving for other travellers stories- on those days they were few, rare and precious. Now – don’t know how but I have the feeling everyone is doing a trip like this – maybe I am just an old generation representative not been able to keep up with the fantastic progress that social media broth to humanity. Maybe! But I still think less is more and the inflation of all world travellers didn’t increase any feelings in me- it just bores me extremely! When I was devouring blogs of fellow travellers I was really feeding with their energy and it charge my batteries to start same trip, which I did!
I want to mention Kinga FreeSpirit (a polish hitch hiker who travelled the world alone and not only) - her trip was a true inspiration! The movie that her mother and HBO did on what happened after her death is ….a true disappointment!

Reflecting as well, on the fact that in the last 4 years, I posted nothing on this blog I am really kind of ashamed on myself , not for what any follower (which I guess is about zero) might think about me-  but recently I noticed that my so called “elephant” memory is fading- so many cool stories of my life got little bit lost or messed up. I used to brag I don’t have any regrets in my life – well I still kind don’t have BUT really, I do admit I regret I didn’t write more during my travels- didn’t have to be published online ,just to write! What a pity!
When I re-read this article again for example
http://trusting-the-sparkling-life.blogspot.ro/2008/05/story-of-georgian-border-and-romanian.html it was like - did I wrote that?  I almost forgot about that whole story and this article broth it back to me…so yeah- I was very busy experiencing these last 10 years and less busy documenting (at least for myself) and….oh what I did experienced in all these years!

Brief summary of the last 10 years 

  • Didn’t actually travel around the world in that trip – priorities changed on the way and I was flexible enough! 
  • I left as a rather innocent, optimist and free of fears person but didn't remain like that until the end/now . Maybe it was the maturing process, getting into real adulthood, facing all sorts of situations, being let down when you expect least, etc...I often try to get some of that spirit back in my life now as well.
  • I transformed my life in such way that I continued to do this trip in different forms professionally afterwards- I visited and explored places in this world much more after the “official” trip finished and I went back home. Once you become a nomad you kind of stay nomad- it is a fact (for the moment) 
  • I lived in 2 countries which I consider my homes (both of them) but I think at this stage I cannot really say I know them very well anymore (I mean their culture and so). They changed in the last years more than my speed to comprehend – but they are my homes (…this does make sense for me);
  • I became more radical than ever before on some of the values I follow- which leaded to shortening of the number of people around me. (Although very well could be other reasons for this high turnover of friends in my life). There are articles on this blog that dont reflect my views at the moment - i dont delete them because they are a live testimony how these things change and evolve - is all a continue process!
  • Professionally, I am less willing to make compromises and I involve only in projects in which I believe. It passed the time when I said yes to almost every project adventure/proposal because there were a learning experience in it – I did learned a lot from all of them and I am using those learnings now!
  • I tolerate less shit from people in my life and I am less eager to be patient with things that cross the limit of my spiritual safety. Some things are just not –negotiable – no matter what reasons, explanations or whatever is on the other side (or in general)– NOT-NEGOTIABLE!
  • As you grow older you notice less and less odd people around you same age and more and more “normalised” ones…makes you wonder – to be nonconformist is really harder once you go over a certain age or people just give up on whatever different world view they had after a while because of “something”?
  • Love “fucked” my life- in all honesty – my life was fantastic before I become crazy in love…all the emotional troubles came afterwards (again and again) – I have no regrets here, is not like I could control anything I just point out my observation!
  • Women who run with the wolves– saved my soul life (2 times already and is my annual medicine) 
  • Factufullnes – is still saving my mind life and I hope it will become my regular sanity drug as well!
  • I became a runner- did my first full marathon one month ago – this journey from a runner hater to a runner lover is a story in itself – some stuff really go beyond our limited brain comprehensibility! I am still amazed that I am runner now- like really, me??? I will love to get in touch with some of my sport teachers from primary and high school – they might get a heart attack from the shock of this news;)
  • I become almost a full time vegetarian …yeah that’s another story but I am pretty sure I used to say at some point in my life I cannot live without meat!
  • I am rather a loner now …maybe comes with age maybe not…is just who I am now and is funny that people have a hard time to accept this – thinking that I am like that forced by faith not by choice – oh they are funny!
  • 10 years from now everything can be totally, but totally different than now! It is very funny when thinking about it - people say and said all the time about me that I am super stubborn and difficult to deal with but hey I did change a lot and i will change- even if I don't actually want it!

I did nothing fantastic with my life- I know the term fantastic is very relative but from my own standards I didn’t leave any significant print on the life so far ….the world is huge and big and my work and my whatever is not even zero.something % impacting it ….but guess what- very few of us (humans) can actually do that. Factufullness in practice – putting numbers in perspectives - few people change the world big time (like zero.something from world population) so I am in the standards …and if I do want to compare with other groups (on smaller scale) I could easily make myself some sort of outlier (which I will not). Just want to point out …my life has been just a life of a person which generally followed her instincts, didn’t turn back from hard situations and trials of life, and just continue to do same. 

I had some very bitter lessons from the life in these 10 years:

  • Somebody can be your best friend and be there for you’re no matter what ……until they are not anymore!
  • True love exists and it is not only one and of course, you will love forever somebody (and the person will love you forever) ……until we/they will not anymore!
  • You change without planning to change…same as the people around you and usually the world- there is absolutely no constant that you count on in the life! 
  • Life goals are good but they are not the end and they will change – allow yourself the freedom to enjoy new goals and roads in your life!
  • World could be quite a hard place to live having in mind the previous points

I wonder if all these count as cynical perspectives on life or just realistic bites ;)

This year I want to go back to Turkey (my second home) and India (http://trusting-the-sparkling-life.blogspot.ro/2009/02/india-like-street-dog.html).
Turkey trip I managed to postpone for couple of months but India one it will happen soon- almost exactly 10 years from the last one!  
The experience I had there is the “black hole” of my world trip, my boiling point, my pain and my lowest point and I am so ready for a new and I guess different experience of India now – because I am soo different now! I am really looking foward for it! Really ;)

I truly hope I will write more from now on...here or just in some notebooks...after all I know better now!
Reading again all the text seems I just did a big ode to Change (everything changes , all the time) - yeah like isn't obvious enough!

But thank you!


bilgeselen said...

Look who is here! Yep from the few that managed to stay over the years and who changed a lot as well. What you are is also what we call in Turkish "inside out the same" and that's what I love about you... Enjoy India and Turkey! Keep writing for yourself :* You know where to find me sister.

Silindile Mlilo said...

Very Inspiring read. Thank you for sharing :)

Andreea-Loredana said...

Thank you my sister!!! Kisses